The following is satirical.

As the 2020 election now looms over us like a gigantic swinging blade coming closer and closer to the writhing body of a semi-clad female that we must spring into action to heroically save — or maybe that’s just a fantasy I had — but anyway, as the 2020 election draws closer, it’s time to take a look at some of the policies being proposed by the Democratic candidates in order to help voters decide whether to run for their lives or hide out in an underground bunker with 40 years’ worth of freeze-dried food.

Communist darling Bernie Sanders has suggested that all prisoners should be allowed to vote. At a rally of the ghosts of people who were murdered by the Soviet Union during Sanders’ honeymoon there, the 97-year-old said, “It does not make sense that someone should lose his human right to vote simply because he tortured and ate his mother and then sewed what was left of her body into a costume. After all, he could be one more vote for me — two if you count his mother.”

Floppy-haired nothing boy Beto O’Rourke has suggested all penalties for illegal immigration should be eliminated. In a speech delivered to Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 5 on Playstation, O’Rourke said, “It’s not fair that people who have broken the law are treated like people who have broken the law. That’s the moral equivalent of treating me like a non-entity glamorized by a desperate leftist press.”

Kamala Harris introduced her new policy in a statement which read, “As a black female who is both black and female, I am a female who is black as well as a black person who is female as well as black not to mention female.”

I don’t know what the policy is, but apparently it doesn’t matter.

We’ll continue to update you with details of the Democrats’ plans until Donald Trump wins re-election, please God.

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