The following is satirical.
Top officials are deeply upset about Attorney General Bill Barr’s announcement that he is investigating the reasons the FBI spied on Donald Trump’s campaign.
In a statement made while he was pasting on a fake beard and disguising himself as an Egyptian goatherd, former FBI Director James Comey said, “It is a very sad day for this nation when I have to leave town as quickly as possible in this ridiculous getup. I can’t believe that anyone could doubt the righteousness of the most righteous person this universe has produced since Paul Scofield in A Man for all Seasons, and you can’t get any more righteous than he was, believe you me.” Mr. Comey than excused himself, climbed out the bathroom window and has not been seen since.
In a statement delivered to the bottom of a table in O’Malley’s bar in Chappaqua, Hillary Clinton vehemently denied any collusion with the Russians, saying, “Yes, I paid a foreign national to gather Russian disinformation on Donald Trump and yes I passed that completely false disinformation to the FBI and yes they used that totally invented slander to get a warrant to spy on the Trump campaign but the crucial element of intent was not there. Just ask James Comey, if you can ever find him.”
Former CIA Director John Brennan, in an impassioned speech delivered from a car speeding toward the Canadian border, said, “I am so aggrieved by this odious calumny that I have decided to change my name and live in an undisclosed location until the heat’s off. You’ll never take me alive, John Law.”
Andrew McCabe, Peter Strzok and Lisa Page could not be reached for comment without dodging a fusillade of machine gun fire from the abandoned warehouse in which they were holed up.