The following is satirical.

According to MRC Newsbusters, there are now more prostitutes, witches and people who keep chickens as pets than there are viewers of CNN.

Fred Darnley, who keeps a pet chicken named Feathers, says he prefers his chicken to CNN because, “A chicken won’t just sit there and lie to you all the time, and if it really gets on your nerves you can fry the damn thing up and eat it, whereas most of those CNN anchormen are dishonest and taste like crap.”

Prostitute Marva Wodolynski, also known as Crystal, Candy, Brandy, Amber or whatever the hell else you want to call her, says she prefers being a streetwalker to watching CNN because, “I perform a service for people. I make them happy for a few minutes before leaving them feeling empty and degraded. And they get to choose which lie I tell them instead of listening to this Trump-Russia nonsense all the time. I mean, face it, ‘Oh, baby, you’re the best I’ve ever had,’ is just a lot more plausible than the stuff Don Lemon or Chris Cuomo says, plus my job takes more brains than those guys have put together.”

And finally, practicing witch Tiffany Bernstein says she prefers casting spells and performing wicca ceremonies because, “They may be utterly useless made up garbage, but at least there are no cable fees.”

CNN News Director Dimly Gormless, in a statement delivered between heaving sobs, told anyone who would listen, “I think we need a news business model. We’ve tried calling Trump racist, fascist and a Russian spy, but the problem is: the viewers can get that at all the other networks, plus they have situation comedies. For the new rating season we’re going with Trump is an invading alien sent by Satan to destroy us. That at least is original.”

Gormless says CNN toyed with the idea of just reporting the news honestly, but it would’ve been too expensive to hire journalists.

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