The following is satirical.

The fight over abortion continues to heat up. In liberal states such as New York and Hell, abortion is allowed up to the 240th month in cases where the mother is endangered or just really annoyed and tired of doing so much laundry. The procedure must be performed by a licensed physician or a hit man, whichever is cheapest.

In more conservative states, like Alabama, Ohio, Reality and Utah, abortion is considered the immoral destruction of an innocent human life because it immorally destroys a human who is alive and innocent.

Pro-abortion activists — who prefer to be called “pro-choice” rather than “baby-killing savages” — say they have been frustrated in their attempts to convince pro-life activists to change their minds.

Pro-choicer Jack Ripper, in a statement scrawled in blood on an alley wall, told reporters, “We’ve tried everything to get the pro-lifers to come over to our side. We’ve punched them, threatened to rape their children, torn down their signs and screamed in their faces but we somehow can’t get them to see reason. It’s obvious they are racist because many aborted children would have grown up to be black and experience prejudice so it’s much better to stick a needle in their hearts and then tear them limb from limb as anyone can plainly see if they enjoy doing that sort of thing.”

Hollywood actresses have added their logical minds to the debate. The beautiful Emily Ratajkowski posed nude to punish the “25 old white men,” who voted for the Alabama bill and presumably reward the seven old white men who voted for Roe v. Wade. And, of course, Alyssa Milano is continuing her sex strike, which should have a major effect as soon as America’s men realize they are no longer having sex with Alyssa Milano.

Pro-life activists meanwhile continue to rattle on about their silly God, who made us in his image, and endowed us with rights and stuff. No clue what that’s about.

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