The following is satirical.

Washington is in an uproar and all abuzz and in a buzzing uproar and an uproarious buzzing roar of buzziness about Robert Mueller’s latest statement on the Mueller report.

Mueller said, “I come before you today to clarify my report by making vague accusations and contradictory statements until even the things we thought we knew become uncertain and the things that were uncertain become entirely incomprehensible.” Mueller then refused to take questions, saying that could only confuse matters because he himself didn’t understand what he’d just said.

Democrats on the campaign trail reacted to the statement immediately. Kamala Harris told reporters, “Mueller’s latest statement makes it absolutely imperative that we continue to distract people from the fact our policies will destroy the country.” Joe Biden chimed in by telling a ten-year-old girl, “My god, but you’re beautiful. And you smell so nice. Let me touch you.” And Beto O’Rourke repeatedly shouted, “Hello, is anybody there?” into an empty auditorium.

In the House of Representatives, Congressman Jerry Nadler addressed a group of trolls who were carrying the great battering ram Grond to the kingdom of Gondor, saying, “Before Mueller clarified his report rendering it incomprehensible, we might have gone ahead with impeachment and thus torn our party and our country asunder, but after his statement that’s still the plan. Now fly, fly, my fellow trolls, and do not return until you have laid waste to Minas Tirith.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi reacted to the Mueller statement by saying, “Until now, I have tried to silence the voices calling for impeachment because those voices were disembodied and seemed to come from everywhere at once, making me think I might have imagined them, like that time I woke up in Sacramento married to an enormous stuffed panda because I thought I heard him propose to me when that was really coming from the toaster.”

Pelosi then refused to take questions because it worked for Mueller and he didn’t make any sense either.

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