The following is satirical.

Hollywood’s most glamorous stars and other low scoundrels are banding together to battle new anti-abortion laws in states they heard of once but never actually believed existed. The stars say it is appalling that these laws forbid abortion even in cases of rape, incest or a producer knocking up some starlet on the casting couch and then having to actually give her the part he promised her because otherwise she might give birth and sue him for child support.

Hollywood Producer Fairly Scabrous in a statement made to the three mirrors in his walk-in closet said, “Hollywood has the best moral compass, because it has compassion. Those are the immortal words spoken by Harvey Weinstein as he was trying to get Roman Polanski off the hook for raping a 13-year-old girl. And of course, we no longer support Harvey because he can’t greenlight a picture anymore. But I’m speaking symbolically about all the Harvey Weinsteins who are still out there and could end up in prison if any of these abortion laws go into effect, and make it impossible for them to deny they did what they obviously did.”

Studio Executive Deeply Scabrous—no relation to Fairly—issued a statement from an undisclosed location, saying, “It’s a woman’s right to choose to get her employer out of a jam by disposing of the evidence before his wife finds out how he’s been casting his pictures.”

Film star Holly Vacant told reporters she would be boycotting anti-abortion states like Georgia and instead will film her next movie in Northern Ireland where abortion is almost completely illegal but her bosses get big tax breaks. Miss Vacant says this is not hypocritical because boycotting Georgia will sound virtuous so she can continue to get work, whereas boycotting Northern Ireland might cost the studios money and thus make her unemployable.

Anti-abortion states say they are sorry to lose Hollywood’s business, but at least now the local women will be safe.

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