Summer’s here and mosquitoes and Democrat candidates are swarming Iowa. Residents of the Hawkeye State say they’re keeping the pesky bloodsuckers at bay with poisonous aerosol repellents and mostly just slapping at the mosquitoes.
In a rally on Sunday in Cedar Rapids, a full nineteen Democrats were on hand to deliver speeches. Crowds gathered outside shouting slogans, beating drums and shaking tambourines but still couldn’t get them to go away.
Each candidate was allowed to make a speech for five minutes or an eternity whichever seemed shorter.
Frontrunner Joe Biden skipped the event in keeping with his campaign strategy of hiding until it’s all over so that no one will find out what he’s really like.
But Socialist Bernie Sanders was there and told the crowd, “We must reverse whatever Donald Trump has done, so where he has restored our economy, I will impose socialism and take care of that in a big hurry. But this is not bad socialism like the socialism of the Soviet Union, China, Venezuela or other real life places. This is good socialism like in the Norway of my imagination.”
Eric Swalwell arrived on the scene with poll numbers so low he may be the first man ever to be elected Not-President, a new office in which whatever power you may have had is taken away from you and given to someone else. Swalwell announced that he is you, which was a relief, since otherwise no one would have recognized him.
Other candidates included Cory Booker who told the audience this was a moral moment in which he was Spartacus and he was looking forward to tomorrow which would be a material moment in which he was Madonna and got to wear the spiked bra.
And, of course, there was a bunch of women who said they were also running for president, which was kind of sweet in a way.
The candidates regarded the gathering as the official start of the political season as well as the official end of their political careers.