The following is satirical.

Madonna says Jesus Christ would approve of abortion. No, not the real Madonna. Yes, the real Jesus Christ. And no, I’m not making this up. The superannuated pop star who named herself after the mother of God says the son of the real mother of God would approve of destroying a real human life in the body of a real human mother and explained she had come to this conclusion after a very long, hard period of having no idea what the hell she’s talking about and being an idiot.

Madonna told an interviewer she would like to meet with the Pope to discuss the matter and went on to say she thought the Pope might actually be willing to meet with her. Still not making this up.

Madonna then imagined out loud what she would say to the Pope during their meeting. Which is not as odd as it sounds since imagining out loud what Madonna would say to the Pope is a popular drinking game among people who’ve been drinking wood alcohol laced with hallucinogens. Madonna said she would gently instruct the Pontiff by saying to him — and yes, this is a real quote: “Let’s talk about Jesus’ point of view about women. What do you really think he thought of women? And don’t you think Jesus would agree that a woman has the right to choose what to do with her body?”

In an amazing coincidence, it turns out the Pope already considered these exact same questions even before Madonna asked them. What are the odds? Strangely, though, the Pope concluded that, no, Jesus is not in favor of abortion. In fact, at a recent pro-life gathering, the Pope likened abortion to murder-for-hire, asking the crowd: “Is it licit to throw away a life to resolve a problem? Is it licit to hire a hitman to resolve a problem?”

Madonna responded to the Pope’s remarks by saying she hadn’t realized there was going to be a test and that the questions would be so hard. She promised to return with some answers when she was not an idiot.

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