The following is satirical.

Eric Swalwell has left the Democrat presidential race, which means the field has been reduced to everyone except Eric Swallwell, who once declared “I am you,” which means that by leaving the race, all of us have left the race and the field is empty. This means that everyone and no one are running for the Democrat presidential nomination at the same time, an existential paradox which scientists say could either destroy the universe or reduce the Democrats to a party of toxic America-hating socialists spinning out completely unworkable ideas while viciously accusing one another of thought crimes against their radical dismantling of universal human norms. In other words, things would remain pretty much the same as they are now and Swalwell leaving the race will have no effect on anything.

Swalwell said he had decided to step down to do something more useful than running for president, like for instance digging a big hole in the ground, throwing in all his supporters’ money, and then setting it on fire in order to roast marshmallows. Swalwell said that way he would at least get some roasted marshmallows out of burning all his supporters’ money.

Swalwell says now that he’s out of the race, his proposals will no longer take effect, and he will be returning all the guns he confiscated in his imagination. Gun owners were grateful to have their imaginary guns returned to them, and said as a result they would stop imagining shooting Eric Swalwell and anyone else who imagines taking their guns. Some gun owners said they had already imagined staging a second American revolution in order to restore the rights guaranteed them by the Constitution, and promised that now that Swalwell was stepping down, they would imagine returning the Capitol Building to the civil authorities and imagine rebuilding the White House which they had imagined burning to the ground.

In stepping down, Swalwell thanked his supporters saying, “I am you, and you are me, so therefore when you support me no one supports me but me and that’s why I’m stepping down.”

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