The following is satirical.

Top Democrat strategists and other useless wastes of human flesh are sending out distress signals over new polling data which shows that the left’s strategy of shredding every dearly held tradition and belief of American culture may not be quite as clever as some had thought. Among the signals of distress being sent by Democrats are jumping off high buildings while shrieking, “We’re going to lose every election until the year 3000!” and wearing sandwich signs announcing that CNN and Reality are actually two different places.

The polling data shows the opinions of voters in swing states — so-called because the voters there enjoy Nelson Riddle music and hanging people who try to sell them socialism. According to the poll, 78% of swing state voters consider freshman Rep. Alexandria Occasional Cortex (D-NY) a raving ignoramus, with 86% of the 78% having learned this from reading the news. The remaining 14% guessed the right answer by chance.

53% of the voters in swing states can identify Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) either by name or just as “that anti-American Jew-hating shrike.” 37% of those who can identify her work for the Transportation Security Administration and the remaining 16% are willing to pretend to work for the TSA if it means Omar will be body searched every time she steps on a plane.

Socialism was viewed favorably in swing states by almost 67% of the voters whose parents had named them Che, while the remaining 33% of people named Che have changed their name to Ernie and vowed never to visit home again unless there was an inheritance involved. When asked if all illegal aliens should be guaranteed free health care, 86% of swing state voters raised their hands and waved good-bye to the Democrats, while the remaining 14% raised their feet and kicked the Democrats into a gigantic pit while screaming, “This is Sparta!”

Alexandria Occasional Cortex reacted to the poll by calling the voters racist. The voters reacted to being called racist by chuckling softly in anticipation of next year’s election.

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