The following is satirical.

CNN has announced the lineup for the second Democrat debate. After a thrilling on-air spectacle of a selection process watched by every single cameraman on the set, the cable channel revealed the results to the rest of us, in a statement that said: “America is in crisis. A fascist dictator has taken over the White House slaughtering everyone who dares to criticize his cruel reign, so that we are forced to go into hiding by being on CNN where no one will see us. Because of this, we feel that the terms of the first debate were unacceptable, allowing the Democrat candidates to display their unworkable ideas, their cringingly fake personalities, and their radical hatred of the country they are asking to govern. Therefore, in the second debate, we are putting forward a line-up of imaginary Democrats who, unlike the real Democrats, might be able to defeat the evil monster who will not even allow us to say what we are saying right now so that we are not saying it even though it sounds like we are and we are suffering terribly at his hands even though it looks as though we are standing in a comfortable studio in midtown Manhattan talking to an audience of six people whose connecting flight to Omaha has been delayed for two hours.”

CNN then announced a lineup of five Imaginary Democrats for the next debate. One, Normal Guy, a comfortingly ordinary presence who is able to make his radical plans to destroy our economy and culture sound like something harmless from the 1950’s. Two, Intelligent Woman, an attractive presence who puts a reassuring veneer of femininity over her soulless ambition and bitter hatred of everything her country stands for. Three, Non-Threatening Minority Person, who manages to disguise his thirst for revenge under a series of patriotic-sounding platitudes. Four, Bland Collection of Theoretically Oppressed Identities, who offers Americans a chance to alleviate the sense of guilt he’s been trying to impose on them for the last fifty years.

And, of course, Five, Marianne Williamson.

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