The following is satirical.

The first round of the second round of the Democrat debates took place last night and if anyone was watching, please write in and let me know what happened.

As I understand it, the debates took place in Detroit, a city laid waste by Democrat policies, so the theory seemed to be if anyone left in Detroit was still voting Democrat, they’d be too stupid to understand how utterly they’d be screwed by the policies the candidates were proposing, and therefore the debates wouldn’t cost the candidates any votes.

Which is a good thing, since this debate included mostly second-string candidates. This includes Bernie Sanders, who is polling at twenty percent of people who still think Communism is a great idea and that the Soviet Union will ascend to glory just as soon as Stalin is brought back to life by the ghost of Rasputin chanting the Internationale. There’s also Elizabeth Warren, who’s polling at 1/1024 of all the people who believe she is favored by the Great Spirit in the Sky, who himself is voting for Trump because he enjoys the laughs. Then there’s Beto O’Rourke, who is polling at zero percent but feels once he finishes apologizing for his white privilege his poll numbers will go up, though by then the election will be over. And there’s Pete Buttigieg, who is polling at zero percent among African Americans, though some may vote for him on the downlow. Finally, of course, there’s Marianne Williamson who is polling at a whopping eighty-five percent of all people who believe her aura is silvery white with edges of gold representing either transcendent holiness or some old fillings in her molars she hasn’t had replaced yet.

This charismatic and exciting group of non-entities began the debate by greeting the public and then suddenly I woke up and found it was 1 a.m. and I was watching an old rerun of NYPD Blue, which was pretty good incidentally, and had a gritty realism and honesty that made it essentially the opposite of a Democrat debate.

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