The following is satirical.

For those of you who missed the debate last night and were instead watching the final episode of “Jane the Virgin,” in which Jane and Rafael resolved their love affair in a wonderful conclusion full of laughter and tears and a closing scene that made my heart swell, let me fill you in on what you would have seen if you were watching the debate like I was instead of “Jane the Virgin,” which really was terrific.

At the debate, there were a lot of Democrats standing on a stage apparently and I think one of them was Joe Biden or somebody and then there were some other people and they were all telling us about the great things the Democrats were going to do as soon as they could get their hands on all our money and how that was going to cut costs — although not for us, of course, because all our money would be gone — but at least everything would be free for someone else who snuck into the country illegally but not in a breaking-the-law sort of illegally way but in a different illegally way where we have to give them stuff because otherwise we’d be mean and that’s not who we are, for some reason.

But then, all our health care would be free, which is a good thing, since the Democrats would have all our money so it’s not like we could pay for it. And buying us free things with all our money will apparently strike a blow against the evil corporations who somehow have gotten their hands on all the medicine and iPhones and stuff, and are making us pay for them instead of giving them to us for free which we’ll need them to do, because the Democrats will have all our money.

Then everyone agreed Trump was racist and if they could just get rid of him they would turn the whole country into a wonderful, wonderful place like Baltimore.

And Jane and Rafael lived happily ever after.

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