The following is satirical.

Twitter users from around the world are convening in an international conference to find solutions to our worst problems, like Twitter users from around the world. The first annual meeting of the most vocal Twitter users has adopted the theme, “Screw You, I Hate You, Now Die,” and will be held at a venue meant to represent a real-world analogue to the Twitter environment, namely a seething lake of fire under a sign reading, “Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here.”

In speeches of 280 characters or less, Twitter experts will address such pressing problems as “Why Don’t People You Disagree With Get Cancer When You Wish They Would,” and “If People Can’t Be Civil and Have a Reasoned Argument, Why Don’t They Just Shut Up and Go to Hell?”

Various Twitter experts will put forward fresh ideas for solving the world’s problems, such as writing the same sentence five times in a row in order to alter the nature of reality, banning anyone who won’t admit that the nature of reality has in fact been altered, and researching anyone who achieves anything of worth until you find some off-hand statement they made when they were 15 years old so you can destroy their lives.

Some Twitterers will deal with more philosophical questions like “Why do people celebrate the achievements of great men when anyone can go on Wikipedia and see they were not as woke and high-minded as someone who never achieved anything except tweets about how great men weren’t as woke as they are?” and “Why do people still listen to the music of Mozart when he was born in the same country as Hitler, which obviously makes listening to Mozart the same as being a mass murderer of Jews, not that I like Jews all that much in the first place.”

At the conference’s final ceremony, more of the world’s worst problems will be solved by locking the conference hall doors and running away.

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