The following is satirical.

Democrat presidential candidates have descended on Iowa, increasing the population there by 22 percent. As the candidates try to act like normal Americans by grilling corn dogs on a flaming flag or staging sack races with people who were sacked during the Obama economy, voters are trying to choose whether to hear the stump speeches or just jab a screwdriver repeatedly into their ears to see if that’s less painful.

Beto O’Rourke has seen his poll numbers rise since a drunk in Cedar Rapids said he’d vote for Beto then passed out before he could explain that he meant to say Biden and always gets those two confused. O’Rourke has tried to change his campaign tactics by limiting his speeches to a series of outlandish hand motions wholly disconnected from any meaning he may be trying to convey. O’Rourke tried to explain this tactic to a reporter but knocked her unconscious with a non-sensical gesture before she could understand what he wasn’t saying.

Bernie Sanders attended a nail salon with Cardi B as part of his strategy to make socialism seem fun, or at least more fun than the part where you’re roasting your pet cat over a trash fire so your children have something to eat. Cardi B says she thinks socialism will be great as long as her nails look terrific and all the socialism stuff is happening to someone else. The 103-year-old Sanders promises that under socialism Cardi will be able to afford a complete last name and then maybe he’ll know who she is.

Voters thought they spotted Elizabeth Warren outside a cigar store in Des Moines, but that turned out to be only a wooden Indian. However, Warren did show up at a rally later where she led the crowd in a rousing rendition of “This land is my land — No Really, It’s My Land.” She then threatened to scalp the bystanders but Bernie Sanders had already done that.

Political observers say the Democrat campaign is likely to continue until Donald Trump is re-elected.

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