U.S.—With progressive voters reluctant to vote in person due to fear of sickness and fear of Biden becoming president, the Democrat Party will now be disguising polling places as riots in order to lure their base to the polls.
“Our base just loves peacefully rioting,” said Democrat Party operative Xi Zhang Wei. “We set one polling station on fire once and they just came out of the woodwork! It worked great! We will be placing our operatives at as many polling stations as possible in order to start peaceful resistance and perhaps a little light violence. Then, while our base is there, we’ll get them into a voting booth and tell them what button to punch!”
The DNC is testing out slogans for the new “Riot at the Polls” campaign such as “Punch a Nazi, Then Punch That Ballot!”
The World Health Organization has endorsed the use of poll riots to help prevent the spread of viruses and will be working closely with Xi Zhang Wei to ensure every poll is properly protected.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn’t subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren’t bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God’s invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.
‘Look At These Dumb Israelites Who Keep Going Back To Their Idols,’ Says Man Reading Bible Before Going Off To Worship His Own Idols
Hillary Clinton Congratulates Nominees And Asks Them To Come Stand On Target Underneath Precariously Dangling Piano