Hillary Clinton Congratulates Nominees And Asks Them To Come Stand On Target Underneath Precariously Dangling Piano

U.S.—In a rousing speech to her webcam this week, substitute President Hillary Clinton congratulated Joe Biden and Kamala Harris for winning their party’s nomination and then invited them to stand on a target on the floor underneath a dangling grand piano. Clinton Foundation Spokesman Drew Overman applauded Clinton’s gracious speech and insisted there is nothing suspicious about the brightly colored bullseye painted on the floor.

“This is my ‘congratulations circle’ where I congratulate people!” Clinton said. “There’s nothing I love more than congratulating people in my brightly colored congratulations circle! Please don’t mind the piano hanging by that frayed rope right above it. Just moving some furniture around, no big deal! What’s the matter? Can’t a girl move some furniture around? Haaaaa ha ha ha ha!”

Some observers also pointed out that there were laser dots dancing around on the floor where the target was, almost as if there were snipers aiming high-powered rifles at the spot. Clinton assured her fans that those were just from the security team she hired to keep the dangling piano safe. Some other observers noted that there appeared to be a trap door on the floor and that they could hear the jaws of snapping alligators beneath it. Clinton insisted that those sounds were just from her husband Bill as he puttered around in the basement and that there was “nothing to worry about.” 

Biden happily accepted the invitation to come to stand in the “congratulations circle,” but changed his mind when he realized the circle outside his basement.

Breaking: PayPal Now Available

Many of you told us you wouldn’t subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren’t bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God’s invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.

Previous Article

Democrats Lure Progressive Voters To Polls By Disguising Them As Riots

You Might Like
Learn more about RevenueStripe...