Politicians Officially Exempted From Lockdown Rules Since Lizard People Can’t Catch COVID
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—After stoking outrage by visiting a salon for a hair treatment during a lockdown, Nancy Pelosi has assured the public she is exempt from lockdown rules since her particular species of lizard-person cannot catch or spread the coronavirus.
“There isssssss, I mean is, no risk posed by me or any other member of congress getting our hair done during a pandemic,” said Pelosi in a statement. “That’s because we’re just different than you. I can’t explain exactly how; we just are. We can’t even catch COVID. It’s a niccccccceeee, um, I mean nice privilege we enjoy,” she said with a casual flick of her tongue.
Security camera footage leaked by the salon appears to show Pelosi in her true lizard form as she walks to the back of the building for a hair blowout as well as a fresh human suit.
“Please do not let this distract us from the true enemy of this country, Donald Trump,” Pelosi said as she eyed a housefly buzzing above her head. “You should be grateful that people like ussssss, um- I mean us, are here to protect you.”
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