Just-Laid-Off Minneapolis Police Officer Looks On Helplessly As Rioters Burn Down City Council Members’ Homes

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Lieutenant Chris Gastelum was laid off yesterday by the Minneapolis Police Department after the city council voted to defund the police. As he was walking home, he saw, by chance, some rioters throwing Molotov cocktails at the homes of several city council members. But, sadly, he was powerless to do anything, as he’d just turned in his gun and badge.

“Help, officer — they’re burning down my house!” screamed a city council member.

“Oh, shoot! Sorry! Would love to help but they couldn’t afford me anymore,” Gastelum said. One rioter paused, worried he would be arrested. “Oh, no, sir, go right ahead,” the former officer said. “I’m not a cop anymore. Feel free to continue with your mostly peaceful protest.”

“Better luck next time!” Gastelum said cheerily to the city council member before skipping on his merry way, a newfound spring in his step.

“It’s a real bummer,” he told reporters later. “I would have loved to help out.” Just then, he turned another corner to see another city council member getting mugged. “Hey, good to see you!” he shouted at her. “Hope everything’s going well for you! Have a great day!”

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