WASHINGTON, D.C.—Americans were shocked this week after their preferred political parties completely reversed their positions from what they were just a few years ago. Avid political loyalists are heartbroken at the realization that maybe all politicians are hypocrites who probably never mean a single word they say, ever. 

“I thought my favorite politicians were honest, principled people,” said local voter Harlita Finnbop. “My senator has never lied to me, ever! I never imagined he would betray my trust by believing literally the opposite thing he believed just a few weeks or years ago! If we can’t trust our politicians, who can we trust?”

Voters across the country briefly considered voting for the other political party but realized candidates in the other party were hypocrites too. They also considered supporting other candidates who appeared to have more integrity but backed out when they realized those guys were total losers and sissies.

Suddenly, everyone came to the realization that everyone who ever lived was probably a hypocrite. After a few moments of sad disbelief, the country collectively sighed and decided they don’t really care if their politicians are hypocrites as long as they win.

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