CLEVELAND, OH—After weeks of buildup, the Biden campaign ended the first presidential debate after just a few moments when his aides called a lid halfway through the first question. 

“Thank you all for joining us,” Chris Wallace began. “The first question goes to Vice President Biden. Mr. Vice President, what would your administration do about-“

“THAT’S IT! GOTTA CALL A LID!” said one staffer as he leaped onto the stage. “Mr. Biden has very important matters to attend to in a quiet, dark room with no reporters or cameras. It’s time for us to start prepping for the next debate!”

“Oh… well, that makes sense,” said Chris Wallace. “Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be with us today, Mr. Vice President.”

Biden blinked and said “Yeah, maybe I need a little rest. I’ve been up here for 200 million seconds!”

Seven aides carted him off stage to begin prep on the next debate.

“Loser! Sleepy Joe!” Trump called out after him.

All major news outlets unanimously declared Biden the winner. 

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