BOSTON, MA—According to sources, local Christian Bartholomew Vanderbilt experienced a strange sense of déjà vu while walking past No Walls City Church in Boston. Upon seeing the church doors, the cross, and the stained glass windows, he had a very vague recollection of something he used to do on Sunday mornings.

“I am a Christian, right? At least, I think I am,” he thought. “What do Christians do again? Dangit, I just can’t remember.” 

He thought as hard as he could, but he still couldn’t remember. Desperate, he approached a woman on the street and asked them: “Hey, what do Christians do?” 

“Christian?” asked the woman, confused. “What’s… ‘Christian?'” 

Vanderbilt asked several more people as they passed by, but no one knew the answer. He started to feel like maybe he was crazy.

“Maybe I dreamt it,” he said. 

Finally, he spotted a group of protestors who were outside a gas station bringing awareness to the fact that 64 oz. Slurpees are probably racist. 

“Hey, I think I’m a Christian. What do Christians do?” he asked them. 

“Oh yeah! Christians protest injustice!” they responded. “Grab a sign!”

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