U.S.—A tragic new study reports that 99% of fries don’t survive the trip home from the drive-thru.

“It’s really sad — their little lives are cut short before whoever’s picking up the food even gets home,” said one biologist. “It’s survival of the fittest out there. The crunchy fries are almost instantly snuffed out. The soggy ones have a better chance of making it all the way home.”

“And if you’re a Crisscut fry that was accidentally put in the bag, well, forget it. You’re a goner.”

Many groups have been trying to raise awareness for the fries, doing studies on how we can increase fry life expectancy. Unfortunately, all the fries picked up for the study and brought back to the lab were eaten on the way there.

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