BETHESDA, MD—Having absorbed and defeated COVID-19, president Trump then charged into the viral research lab at Walter Reed Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland to challenge more viruses to mess with him. “The doctors and nurses here are just excellent, raaahh!” Trump shouted as he ran through the halls. “Give me any plague! I’ll beat the [expletive] out of it!”

Trump got into a collection of viral samples including Ebola virus, the deadly disease first identified in 1976 in South Sudan, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo. He injected himself with the Ebola sample then began running around the room shouting “Come on!” and “Git some!” He also shouted “WOOOO!” repeatedly and messed his hair up while slapping himself in the face.

“The fight is on baby! I can feel all the little Ebolas dying inside me. I gain strength in the wake of their sweet, sweet death,” he screamed toward the tiled ceiling.

“This is an excellent hospital,” Trump added after a few deep breaths. He then said to his driver, “Let’s do a drive-by to show everyone I killed ebola too. They’re gonna love this.”

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