WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a testy exchange with reporters this week Biden refused to reveal his policy position on walking up to random women uninvited and sniffing their hair. After being asked the question several times, he threw up his hands in frustration.

“Look here, man!” he said to the reporters. “If I tell you what I really think about hair-sniffing that will become the story! I’m smarter than that, Jack! Listen to me. I have a plan for hair-sniffing but you aren’t gonna know what it is until after I’m elected President. That’s only fair.” 

Republicans pounced on Biden’s statements and claimed that he plans to legalize unsolicited sniffing of strangers for the entire country. 

One female reporter from CNN continued to press the issue, to which Biden responded by walking up to her and burying his nose in her hair.

“In spite of this uncomfortable incident between me and Mr. Biden, we are still unsure what his actual position is,” she later reported. “I call on all our viewers to vote for Biden so we can all find out!”

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