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For many people, small groups have replaced large church gatherings. If that’s you, it’s time to polish up your small group image! Here are 9 helpful pointers that are guaranteed to make you the most spiritual Christian in your small group.
1. Constantly mutter “yes, Lord” when someone else is praying. If you’re chewing on food, a loud “Mmmmmm” of agreement is acceptable.
2. Contradict everything the group leader says.
3. Sprinkle no fewer than 89 usages of the word “just” into your brief prayer.
4. Shout “FIRST!” when you manage to turn to a Bible passage before everyone else.
5. Start every sentence with “the Lord is just leading me to say” and end every sentence with “if the Lord wills it.” Example: “The Lord is just leading me to say, I have to go to the bathroom, if the Lord wills it.”
6. Start a heated debate about free will or end times prophecy.
7. If you want to share something completely unrelated to what you’re studying, start by saying “This has just really been on my heart lately…”
8. Dog-ear pages and highlight random sections in your Bible so people will think you read it a lot.
9. Offer to clean up afterward and hide your relief when the host says “No thanks!”
Follow these 9 simple pointers to guarantee the best small group experience possible! If things get too weird or people start wanting to hang out with you outside small group, simply join one of the hundreds of other groups your church supports throughout the city and start the process over again.
NOT SATIRE: Check out Small Group the Movie, a comedy / drama about a filmmaker who infiltrates a small group while making a documentary about the dwindling influence of Christianity in America. It won Best Picture at the International Christian Film Festival. While not being shy in its self-deprecation about certain aspects of Christian culture, it is also a celebration of the one thing that people are craving most right now: community. Small Group the Movie is available on DVD or BluRay at SmallGroupMovie.com, or for digital streaming on Amazon.
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