VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis said today that God has informed him of a new requirement to enter Heaven: everyone must now receive the COVID-19 vaccine before entering the pearly gates.
“This is very important for the salvation of all people on Earth,” Pope Francis explained. “We know that God lets everybody into Heaven because he loves us all and he doesn’t really care what kind of mischief we get ourselves into in this life, but we must be wary of the greatest earthly sin of all: not getting the COVID-19 vaccine. God has informed me that he will not let you into Heaven unless you have received BOTH DOSES of this very safe vaccine.”
The Pope’s announcement comes as leaders worldwide push for citizens to receive the vaccine. Scientists have claimed the vaccine is in no way harmful to anyone, and it cannot possibly turn you into a zombie or anything weird like that.
Pope Francis also stated that receiving both doses of the trustworthy vaccine will “immediately release your deceased relatives from purgatory” and “could even cut your time there in half.” To drive his point home, he has commanded the Catholic church to deny communion to any unvaccinated members.
At publishing time Pope Francis had received an initial dose of the vaccine and had to be strapped down in a bed for an exorcism before the second dose.
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