WILMINGTON, DE—President-elect Joe Biden gave a press briefing from the basement of his Wilmington mansion announcing that his incoming administration will be utilizing an innovative skin color chart to determine who is the priority in receiving their share of the $900 billion federal coronavirus aid package recently passed by Congress. 

“Our priority will be black, Latino, Asian, and Native American-owned small businesses, women-owned businesses,” Biden informed the nation. “We are sending out a new color chart to all agencies involved to make sure there is no malarkey with white males and those with melanin deficiencies cutting in from where we are placing them at the back of the line.”

Experts praised the administration’s new color chart as being very unambiguous, black-and-white even, on who the government was going to help and not help.

“This is a real progressive reform in the way a government receives money from some people to help certain other people based entirely on melanin,” said Kristen Clarke, Obama’s nominee to lead the Department Of Justice and all-around expert in genetics. “Melanin endows black people with greater mental, physical, and spiritual abilities, so it is only right that they get government aid first.”

At publishing time, Biden was seen sniffing people while trying the new skin color chart to see if people smell better or worse based on melanin too.

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