WASHINGTON, D.C.—Federal investigators are looking for Arkansas native and enthusiastic Trump Supporter Hilly Mae Cleetus in connection with inciting the deadly riot at the Capitol Building last week.
“After analyzing hundreds of hours of video, we found that the whole thing started with her,” said FBI field investigator Buck Steelington to reporters. “We ask that anyone with information related to this evil criminal mastermind come forward immediately.” As soon as he finished speaking, several laser dots inexplicably appeared on his forehead.
Witnesses say they heard Hilly Mae saying things like: ‘Boy howdy! I’m fixin’ to burn this here building down!’ and ‘This house dun belong to me an’ my kinfolk!’ and ‘The election was stolen from Hill– I mean, Trump!'”
The large crowd, moved to action by her inspiring words, then began to charge the Capitol Building.
Federal authorities are offering a reward of 100,000 dollars to anyone with dirt on Hilly Mae Cleetus or clues to her whereabouts. Unfortunately, everyone who has come forward so far has mysteriously disappeared.
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