SEATTLE, WA—Amazon announced today that Kindle users will now have the ability to virtually participate in book burnings, that time-honored tradition of tolerant, open societies.
The Kindle platform will feature a new area called the “Kindle Bonfire”, where users can throw select books into a virtual inferno.
“Good old-fashioned book burnings have really gone by the wayside,” said Amazon spokesman Heinrich von Schnitzelkopf. “Seems there aren’t as many print books out there, for some reason. So here at Amazon, we wanted to find a way to still involve people in destroying dangerous books, like books about chromosomes. Now, people from across the globe can join together via Kindle Bonfire, around the warm glow of outdated literature.”
Amazon has selected a library of objectionable books that users may not read but can burn, including all science and history textbooks, as well as pretty much anything written before 2018. After picking a few books, users will then control an avatar that flings books into the Kindle Bonfire while shouting slogans like, “Hate has no home here!” Avatars may then give each other socially distanced air-fives, and celebrate the coming peace that always follows an ascendant cultural force burning all dissent.
While a few distributors still exist that will sell the books slated for burning, Amazon plans to buy those distributors or bash them in with a shovel. The U.S. government has offered to provide any assistance necessary to ensure no small business stands in the way of Amazon blazing the way to utopia.
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