https://babylonbee.com/news/supreme-court-upholds-ban-on-calling-someone-without-texting-them-first/

U.S.—An appeals court judge in Texas has ruled this week that calling someone without first texting them to see if you want them to call you is officially a federal hate crime.

In the decision handed down on the case Mason v. Metfield, the court upheld a lower court’s ruling that calling someone without just hitting them up with a text, or else just not contacting them at all, fits the federal definition of a cruel, hate-filled crime that is motivated by malice and being really annoying.

While many people have opposed the category of “hate crime” or else feel the term is used too liberally, the ruling has proven to be extremely popular, with over 98% of Americans saying they agree with the judge’s decision.

“Calling someone without texting them first is hereby declared a hate crime,” said the judge solemnly as he banged his gavel down. “May anyone who does this be torn apart by rabid wolves, fed to the wolves, put back together using the miracle of modern medicine, and then have the process repeated.”

“And may God have mercy on his soul — eh, or not. It’s cool with me if God wants to show no mercy. That’s His prerogative. I’m not telling God how to do His job or anything, but if it were up to me, that guy would be a goner.”


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