Everything I say below is verifiably true. I left out anything that cant be confirmed by a text an email a recording a phone record a voice mail. Ive left out a lot. I love Hallie and cant seem to escape her. May be she tis truly in aware of how abused and trapped I feel by her. She tells everyone she loves me. I believe her concern for my life. I think she does love me in her way. Why does all of it matter to me. What does any of it have to with m y health. Why do I need another person to hear this and Hallie to know . I do because Ive felt so much for anyone. Ive never given up so much for another. No matter what she does or denies or fails to do I crawl back to her and beg for her to just love me. I need to know why she has this power over me. And I need for her to tell me why she so easily in the worst time in my life has been so cruel and continues to be. Why do I love the person who has done all of below and more. If this is all in my mind ands she really hasnʼt said or done these things (which I have records of) then I am insane. Insane for leaving the most intense love Iʼve ever felt and flat out hallucinating for 3 years now. Part of me hopes and prays it is all in my head then I can be fixed andre can be together. I have said mean and horrible things to Hallie. Ive been with woman and admitted that. Im an addict. Im loud and brash and difficult. But ‘im loyal to a fault. And so confused. Im trapped clean or dirty sober or not. Maybe e thats the delusion, but tell me what Iʼve done to deserve this and how I can ever just let it all go. Its made me in the eyes of most everyone I know a person I no longer recognize nor trust. I have never blamed hallie for not being able to get sober- because I have bin fact gotten sober and stayed sober far longer then she ever has. I need to know why.
Hallie makes me so sad and insecure she confirms every deepest insecurity Iʼve ever had is real and she picks at them with malice aforethought. She is secretive and deceitful and lives at least three lives behind the one she shows most and they that all contradict public face. She cherishes the chameleon in her- she even wrote a defense of the chameleon personality in an online blog. Ive seen all her sides and accept all of them love al of her. But even though weʼve had deep discussions about the true Hallie she will deny they exist when I point it out.
She tells me Iʼm a failure but she will always love me that she canʼt control the fact that all my friends have always thought of me as a joke and the clown that beau took care of. She flat out says these things to me and not always in anger sometimes justas an aside. She and David called me Johnny Drama in the months following Beauʼs death when I was sober post inpatient and in IOP. The looser brother always following along behind his super star brother picking up the crumbs he left on the floor. Johnny Drama the big talking lovable embarrassment that was selfish and stupid but loyal. They came up with that when they were lying to me about being out or in together for whatever reason I still donʼt know- or maybe do but canʼt face.