ORLANDO, FL—A local street curb on Baxter Avenue has come forward to accuse a woman of multiple vehicular assaults. According to sworn testimony, the curb endured unwelcome scuffing from tires and aluminum wheels over the course of several months.
“We are proud of this brave little cement curb for coming forward,” said Police Chief Orlando Rolón. “We need to do better in educating our daughters how to parallel park and put proper distance between their car wheels and the curb, for gosh sakes. Yellow paint means, ‘stay away!’ We will redouble our efforts to prevent this from ever happening again.”
The entire press conference then burst into sexist laughter about how bad woman drivers are at parallel parking.
Sources say the alleged attacker will be using the “I’m just a girl” defense– which is a valid defense in the state of Florida.