If the church is truly going to come together around the teachings of Jesus — a kind of coalition for the gospel — then we need to be less white, just like Jesus taught. But how do you even do that? We’ve got ideas, fam:
1. Ask white people to stop coming. – This is an easy one. Before the service, ask people to silence their cellphones and also tell white people to leave and never come back.
2. Hire a black person to stand in all your promotional photos. – Don’t have any black people? Hire one on Fiverr to be in every single website photo.
3. Tempt black people to come by segregating as much of your service as possible: separate entrances, separate pews, separate drinking fountains, etc. – Black people need their own spaces that are free from the intrusion of hostile white presence. They will find this super appealing, trust us.
4. Stop reading the Bible, since it might give your congregation the idea that race and whiteness don’t matter at all. – Yep, if you want to be woke, the Bible has to go. People might start getting the idea that we are all one race and one blood, made in the image of God.
5. At potlucks, replace all ranch with hot sauce. – White people will flee in terror.
6. Hire a black person to help you clap on beat. – 2 and 4, people, not 1 and 3!
7. Have your pastor issue a 10-minute apology for being white before each sermon. – In fact, if the entire sermon is just an apology for being white each week, that’s a good start.
8. Invite members to bring their one black friend. – Have them rack their brains for one black person they know and go invite them.
9. Just tell all your white congregants to kill themselves. – If all else fails, this is the final step toward making your church less white, more inclusive, and more diverse.
Well? Onward, woke soldiers!