Progressive Christian Offers New, More Open, Less Judgmental Christianity — No, Wait, It’s Just Satan Again

LOS ANGELES, CA—There are several recognized problems with Christianity. Many of the adherents seem to stick to old, backward ways of thinking. They tend to be judgmental and look at things as “good” and “evil” based on their outdated views. A new progressive Christian has arrived on the scene, though, who preaches a more open, modern Christianity that’s less judgmental and takes people as they are.

“I’m not here to change you or condemn you based on some interpretation of words that are thousands of years old,” said the charming progressive Christian. “You are special, and God loves you as you are.”

This new Christian has attracted many followers with his people-positive message. “Other Christians preach a narrower view of things,” said the progressive Christian. “But there are many different paths to God. Everyone is probably already on one and just needs a little push.”

UPDATE: It turns out that he was not a Christian at all, but just Satan… again.

“Yeah, almost had you this time,” said Satan. “I just keep packaging up sin and self-worship as a virtue, but people like that, you know.”

Satan says despite being discovered, he’s going to keep at it. “I just have better marketing. What do you want? A narrow way or a wide way where you do what you want? Sure, the destination isn’t great, but it will be fun until we get there. I promise.”

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