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Biden’s poll numbers are dropping, and the White House is scrambling for ways to get his approval rating up.
The Babylon Bee’s top-secret anonymous source inside the White House, codenamed Ben Pjaki, has just leaked us Biden’s 8-part plan for winning over the American people once again.
Here it is:
1) Start sniffing women’s hair again: For some reason, his poll numbers were a little better when he was doing that. Worth a shot!
2) Launch Kamala Harris into the Sun: People really, really seem to like this idea for some reason.
3) Invade something: Invading another country is always good for a 10-point jump. Maybe we can invade Canada. They’ve always had it coming.
4) Go back to his roots by hiding in a basement for another 6 months: Biden was never more popular than when he spent an entire year in a basement! And then he received a record number of votes! Who can argue with that kind of popularity?
5) Launch Kamala Harris into the Sun: Wait– did we say that one already? Huh.
6) Get a spray tan and wear an orange wig: Imitating the greatest, smartest, most popular president of all time? Winning move!
7) Send Dr. Fauci to another galaxy so he can spread his pandemic wisdom with other planets: Or if that’s too hard, maybe just the Sun again.
8) Fire everyone he’s ever appointed and shut down all Federal agencies: This one’s a no-brainer and we’re not sure what Biden’s waiting for here. Come on, man! This is no joke!
NOT SATIRE: President Biden nominated someone with a history of eco-terrorism to run the Bureau of Land Management, which controls nearly a tenth of American lands, and Senate Democrats stand ready to support confirm her. Tracy Stone-Manning was part of a tree spiking operation, where terrorists drove metal spikes into a forest that was about to be cut down, making it so that loggers could be seriously hurt or even killed if their saws hit one of the spikes.
It sounds like satire, but it isn’t. Sen. Joe Manchin seems like the Democrat most likely to see reason on this issue. With just a few clicks, you can send him a message or give his office a quick call telling him to vote NO on Tracy Stone-Manning’s confirmation.