WASHINGTON, D.C.—After a bipartisan vote in the U.S. Senate agreed to spend over a trillion dollars of taxpayer money, politicians from both sides of the aisle began eagerly speculating about what they just spent all that money on.
“Man, there could be anything in that bill!” said a giddy Mitt Romney. “Maybe everyone is getting a hot air balloon – or a puppy, or a giraffe! We could be making a canal right through the middle of Florida, perhaps filling the Grand Canyon with concrete, who knows? This is so exhilarating!”
The $1.2 trillion dollar spending bill, which comes on the heels of a $1.4 trillion dollar spending bill, which came on the heels of a $1.9 trillion spending bill, but will precede a proposed $3.5 trillion spending bill, reportedly will use about 12% of its dollars on infrastructure projects. With infrastructure now including things like daycare and Botox, it is unclear what these projects are, and no one has any clue whatsoever about the other 88%
“Much like Biden’s opinion on court packing, we have to pass the bill to know what’s inside,” said Chuck Schumer. “I mean that much money, good grief, could be anything! Playgrounds for adults? Roller-coasters for dogs? Crossing my fingers for a bridge from Alaska to Russia. The suspense is killing me!”
Mitch McConnell reportedly is hoping it includes money to shelter sea turtles, and maybe for some celebratory powdered sugar.