WASHINGTON, D.C.—The unfamiliar sights of smiles, cheering and back slaps erupted across Congress today, as politicians of every stripe laid down their animosity to join together in the one thing they can all still agree on: spending gobs and gobs of other people’s money.
“Come here, you big loon!” yelled an elated Elizabeth Warren as she embraced Mitch McConnell. “Look at us, giggling like a couple of schoolkids! Oh Mitch, all that harsh talk, you’ve still got it in you. Just nothing like the feeling of spending someone else’s money, now is there old buddy? Who wants to dance?!” she yelled, pulling out a speaker and turnng on Pharell’s ‘Happy’.
The celebratory scene spilled over onto the Capitol steps, where shocked onlookers witnessed joy rarely seen on such dour faces. Chuck Schumer performed “The Worm” across the Capitol steps, while Lindsey Graham led a group of Senators in “The Electric Slide.” Cory Booker continued yelling, but in a happy way, and Dianne Feinstein tried to look slightly more lucid to show her joy.
“They all look happy – this is bad, really bad,” said local man Bill Stephens as he felt for his wallet. “You’ll have to excuse me, I need to run to the bank – honey! Get the shovel and start digging!”
Ted Cruz and Tim Scott rode out together on horseback to warn Americans that “the Senate is coming,” while Ron Paul stood outside the Fed and shed a single tear.