WASHINGTON, D.C.—Standing atop a large dais being held up by dozens of American citizens, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and Ilhan Omar unveiled a new flag they felt best represented the Democratic party’s goal for the role of government. Centered in the bright yellow flag was an image of a snake being squashed under a bureaucrat’s polished shoe, above the printed phrase, “Tread On Me.”
“Americans don’t know what they want, that’s why they elected us, to make sure we make sure they act in their best interests which are our interests,” said Senator Schumer. “The most edifying words in the English language are: ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’”
Pelosi chimed in, emphasizing the vital need for government intervention in all aspects of life as a replacement for the disintegration of the family unit, loss of religious faith as a moral guide, and increased tax burdens. “We’re not sure which political party is responsible for these atrocities over the past decades, but I would bet one of my walk-in ice cream freezers it was the Republicans.”
Representatives Ocasio-Cortez and Ilhan Omar could not be reached for comment, as they had begun bickering over which colors to add to the flag to fairly represent the intersectional array of government overstep and oppression, which segued into a discussion about the need for all oppressed groups needing representation, followed by a spat about which of the two of them was more oppressed, and ending in an epic catfight.
At press time, Senator Schumer was leaning over our shoulder, threatening the gulag if we did not remove phrasing that would paint our dear, benevolent government in a negative light.