Scholars Confirm For Jesus’s Second Miracle He Turned White Claws Back Into Water
ISRAEL—Scholars working in the Holy Land confirmed today that as His second miracle, Jesus actually turned White Claws back into water. After turning water into wine and “really getting the party started” at the wedding in Cana, the Messiah reportedly saw some dudebros getting ready to “bust open some Claws.” He prayed to the Lord, lifted his hand, and turned the disgusting beverage back into water. “Hey, Jesus, what’s the deal?!” one of the partiers said. “There ain’t no laws when you’re drinkin’ Claws! Who died and made you the Son of God?” Jesus reportedly did not respond to them but rather started writing in the dirt, “WHITECLAWS ARE DISGUSTING AND YOU SHOULD BE DRINKING A NICE, FULL-BODIED STOUT OR PERHAPS SOME BOURBON.” He then told them to “go and drink Whiteclaws no more.” The miracle is said to have increased Jesus’s popularity many times over.