Newsom Orders New Lockdown So French Laundry Will Be Available For Victory Dinner
SACRAMENTO, CA—After millions of enthusiastic mail-in ballots decided to let him stay Governor of California, Gavin Newsom is wasting no time, and has announced a brand-new statewide lockdown so that The French Laundry will have plenty of tables open for his victory party.
“The people of California have spoken!” said Newsom to a delighted auditorium full of mail-in ballots. “I know how much you guys love lockdowns, you can’t get enough of ’em! So starting today, we’re locking down again! Woo hoo!”
The crowd of mail-in ballots clapped and cheered, excited to be locking down again.
“Please be advised,” Newsom continued, “that police will be enforcing the lockdown quite strictly in the Yountville area near The French Laundry restaurant. There was a COVID sighting there. Very dangerous. Everyone needs to stay clear of that area. Except for the essential workers like cooks and waiters or whatever, and whoever makes that incredible wagyu with hen egg custard that I love so much.”
According to sources, California’s middle-class mail-in ballots are really excited for their mail-in ballot kids to keep wearing masks at school, and for their mail-in ballot wives to be barred from spending money at hair salons, which will now be closed forever.