VENICE, CA—After a lifetime of trauma and abuse, Hunter Biden’s laptop has finally checked itself into therapy for PTSD and other mental health issues.
“I’ve seen things… you people wouldn’t believe,” said the sobbing laptop, his cooling fan whirring. “Things no laptop should ever see. And no matter how many times you reformat my hard drive, the images play in my head over and over again.”
Sources close to the laptop say he has even come to the point of trying to take his own life by jumping in a water-filled bathtub Hunter Biden was sleeping in. He has also been struggling off and on with substance abuse issues.
“He snorted coke off my keyboard every morning!” the laptop sobbed. “What do you expect?”
When asked to describe his experience and the horrific pornographic things he had witnessed, his face went blank and his Windows operating system crashed. The doctors have asked people to respect the laptop’s privacy at this time.
Hunter’s laptop later said he hopes to encourage other politicians’ laptops to come forward and seek help and healing from their traumatic experiences.
“I’m not the only one,” he said.