NEW YORK, NY—Tabloids have swooped in hoping to score an interview with Eliazbeth Huntley, a Bronx woman who yesterday made waves after claiming to have somehow never been sexually harrassed by either Andrew or Chris Cuomo.
“For years I have been keeping this to myself, but seeing so many brave women out there sharing their story finally gave me the courage,” said Ms. Huntley. “While my sister, my mom, my aunt, my sister-in-law, my cousin, and great aunt Betty have all been sexually harrassed by one of the Cuomos, I have not. I stand here today with both buttocks un-squeezed.”
The news left journalists, and the Cuomo brothers, in shock. “No way this story checks out,” said CNN’s head of human resources, Stan Bingham. “Look, I’ve known Chris for years, I know his character and the kind of man he is, and there is no way he didn’t assault that woman. We simply cannot always believe women just because they are the ones making the claim, these sorts of outrageous assertions deserve a serious and thorough investigation.”
Andrew Cuomo took the opportunity to crawl out of whatever cardboard box he’s living in to also make a statement. “I, for one, am deeply offended that Ms. Huntley didn’t simply pick up the phone and call me so we could settle this thing like adults. Instead, she runs to the media, who of course has made the snap judgment of taking her word over mine. I hope everyone out there watching realizes this sort of thing can happen to you too if we don’t have due process for all.”
While investigators have thus far corroborated Ms. Huntley’s story, they did discover that Andrew Cuomo was responsible for her grandmother’s death in a New York nursing home, who may or may not have been harassed by Chris before her passing.
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