‘There Is No Need To Worry About China’s Space Nukes,’ Says Jen Psaki From Irradiated, Super Mutant-Covered Wasteland

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Journalists love Jen Psaki’s laid-back, smiling, down-to-earth demeanor, as it keeps us all calm in a time with many tough challenges. So reporters were relieved when Psaki informed them that we do not need to worry about China’s space nukes during a press conference held in an irradiated wasteland crawling with super mutants, deathclaws, and giant bloodbugs.

“There is currently no need to worry about China’s nukes—we welcome the competition,” Psaki said, smiling, as she swatted a giant mutant bug flying near her head. “Right-wing fearmongers want you to think this is a big deal, but it’s not. China getting ready to invade Taiwan and developing technology that can nuke the whole world is nothing to be concerned about at this time.”

Secret Service agents then had to dive in the way to stop her from getting shot by a group of marauding raiders.

“There is no war in Ba Sing—I mean, in Washington, D.C. Everything is fine.”

The press conference was briefly interrupted when some warring vault clans passed through, firing at each other with laser guns, mini-nukes, and pipe guns. But as they trudged off over the horizon in their power armor, Psaki resumed the press conference, circling back to everything she said she’d circle back to.

“Now, does anyone want a cookie? It gives you 15 HP and only 3 rads.”

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