https://babylonbee.com/news/church-adds-helpful-sports-ticker-for-following-scores-during-service/

COSTA MESA, CA—Local megachurch Sailors’ Fellowship unveiled a much-requested feature today: a sports ticker that updates parishioners on their favorite sports teams’ scores and other news items during the service.

The move has driven droves of men back to church, men who would have loved to be part of the body of Christ but couldn’t bear not to know what was happening in the NFL every waking moment of their lives. The church says they are excited by this development and they hope to attract more members of the community who aren’t all that serious about following Jesus.

“Now, you can follow your fantasy football picks or just your favorite teams right up on the screen here,” said Pastor Craig Billings, lead pastor of performative arts and relevant outreach to the unchurched. “You don’t even need to pretend to be following along in your Bible app and look down to check the scores. You can learn how you can face the Goliaths in your life while you see whether or not Derrick Henry is getting as many rushing yards as you need to win your matchup this week.”

“You get the gospel and you get all the things of the world. You no longer have to pick between the two.”

At publishing time, Billings had clarified that actual gospel may not be included in the church’s message.


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