CONWAY, AR—Ten-year-old Billy Smurth’s birthday party went from fun to frightening when U.S. Secretary of Treasury Janet Yellen burst out of his birthday cake to take his birthday money.

“No! Don’t take off your—” Billy’s dad yelled before realizing with overwhelming relief that Yellen was only there as part of her efforts to tax Billy’s unrealized birthday money.

“EQUITY!!!!” screeched the frosting-covered Yellen as she rummaged through birthday cards and pocketed the cash while Billy and his friends screamed in terror. Billy’s mom confronted Yellen and demanded she leave, but was forced to back away after Yellen tried gnawing off her finger to get to her diamond wedding ring.

Janet Yellen finally crashed out a window and disappeared after Billy’s dad convinced her there was a libertarian with a walk-in safe living next door.

Moments later, the front door burst open and two IRS agents entered to issue Billy an itemized tax bill for his birthday presents.

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