BARSTOW, CA—Local man Herbert Spleenbender entered a store early Tuesday in search of those little clips to keep his bags of potato chips closed. Not knowing whether to search the chips aisle or the utensils aisle, he decided he would rather wander the store for hours than ask for help.
“Honestly, I prefer using my keen sense of direction and discernment inherent in every man,” said Spleenbender as he found himself in the candy aisle hours later, wondering if he needed more snack-sized Heath bars. “My ancestors used those skills to hunt and kill prey. If I don’t exercise the same skills here in Al’s Groceries, they may be lost to future generations.”
When asked by reporters where the bag clips were located in the store, Spleenbender’s girlfriend Stephanie quickly replied, “At the end of Aisle 13 next to the trash bags. He’ll never find them, which is a good thing; those clips suck. The good bag clips are on Aisle 7 at Target, Aisle 27 at Walmart, and near the register at Bed Bath & Beyond.”
As the store’s lights dimmed and cashiers began closing out their cash registers, Herbert Spleenbender was seen refusing assistance from a herd of desperate employees. He insisted he would find the bag clips by himself or die trying.
Funeral services for Herbert Spleenbender will be held on a date to be announced by surviving relatives.
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