Don’t listen to fake news from The New York Times, CNN, or your doctor. Get all your medical information from us at The Babylon Bee.
Anyway, it’s totally time to freak out. Here’s everything you need to know about Omicron:
- It was originally to be called the “Xi Jinping Created COVID in a Lab” variant but was renamed so as not to offend China.
- Omicron was ultimately named after its inventor, Bob Omicron, who works at the Wuhan Institute of Virology.
- Everyone who gets Omicron has a 100% chance of dying someday at some point in the future. Not necessarily of COVID, but of something. It’s a guarantee.
- Omicron is also the name of Optimus Primal’s rival in the Transformers spin-off Beast Wars. Omicron, activate!
- Has killed far fewer people than Democrats’ lockdown policies so far.
- There has been far less panic around Omicron than the government was hoping for, so they’re pushing up the release schedule of the Pi variant to early 2022.
- Pfizer has said their vaccine works against Omicron. In other news, Apple has announced that the iPhone 13 may also provide some protection against the variant, if purchased new and at full price.
- Omicron is far worse than other variants, unless you count deadliness, contagiousness, and severity of symptoms.
- Dr. Fauci has teased a Fauci’s cut of Omicron coming in the Spring for the hardcore fans.
- Studies have found that people who are concerned about Omicron are 729% more likely to be scared little whiny babies.
There you have it. Aren’t you glad you came to us for this important info?
This Christmas, get the doll that will shame and terrify your children about the climate… Greta On The Shelf!