Supply chain shortages are here, and it’s affecting everyone across the country. From toilet paper and meat to your favorite flavor shot at Starbucks, all the essentials are being threatened. 

Here are the top items affected by the shortages:

  • Rose Tico action figures
    This toy features cutting edge technology that automatically senses any time you’re attempting to perform a selfless act. The toy then responds by sabotaging your plans, and lecturing you about how wars are won not by fighting what you hate, but saving what you love. Sadly, everyone’s favorite character from The Last Jedi won’t be home for Christmas.
  • Those little plastic swords they put in your drinks
    If you were expecting an adorable tiny rapier piercing the cherry in your cocktail, you might want to reconsider your expectations, almost as much I might want to reconsider the phrasing in the first half of this sentence. Will the drink taste the same? Yes. But without the cute sword, is it even worth ordering it?
    …And don’t even think about finding a tiny umbrella in your Piña Colada!
  • Biden’s approval rating
    Experts believe there is a correlation between Biden’s missing approval ratings and the national lack of trunalimunumaprzure.
  • Those changeable, color-coded bracelets that identify which pronouns you prefer today
    This might be the most troubling shortage of all. Without these bracelets, how will others be able to detect your gender fluids? More importantly, how will you manage to remain the center of attention at your holiday gatherings?
    I’m kidding, of course. You always find a way.
  • Russian brides
    There are numerous reports of cargo ships being denied approval to dock. Some have even had to dump their cargo, requiring the russian brides to swim all the way back home.
  • Rittenhouse® brand semi-automatic BB guns 
    Sorry kids, but unless Santa pulls off a miracle, the number one toy on every good little boy’s list just isn’t going to arrive in time!
  • The 543rd gender
    Sadly, the hotly anticipated new gender identity, known as “Unobtainigender,” has been delayed. Millions of neon-haired 16-24 year-olds won’t be able to stand out from the crowd or disappoint their parents with the latest in sexual fashion quite yet.
  • COVID booster shots #13-23
    While these important booster shots will not be arriving until Spring 2022, San Francisco and New York are still expected to require them for any indoor or outdoor activities, starting next week.
  • Ghislaine Maxwell media coverage
    Shortly before turning in their resignations, several highly influential and totally-not-at-all-at-risk-of-being-indicted media and tech CEO’s have warned that coverage Maxwell’s trial will be in short supply.

And there you have it. Christmas gifts and other sundry items may be harder to obtain this year, but remember: The holidays aren’t about procuring material necessitities. It’s about finding new ways to ensure your family and friends are deeply concerned about you.

What does it take to achieve world peace? This alien knows the secret! And these progressive will do anything to stop him.

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