MACON, GA—Rescue crews are searching for a local pastor who went missing while attempting to locate his pulpit in a dense forest of poinsettias.

“Help! Help!” cried the pastor as he began to sink into the obnoxiously massive Christmas display. Sources say his muffled cries went unheard for hours—until everyone realized they were just sitting in the pews and no pastor was up in front preaching.

“Our secretary Ethel Rutherford went all-out with the festive Christmas decor this year,” said deacon Larry Briggs, shaking his head. “The deacons voted seven to three to increase poinsettia funding this year, but we had no idea it would lead to this! Why, God? Why?”

Authorities have asked parishioners to stay clear of the building as they continue the search, and have asked the deacon board to make sure they tone down the Easter Lily display next spring just to be safe. 

What does it take to achieve world peace? This alien knows the secret! And these progressive will do anything to stop him.

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